Friday, February 8, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Unnecessary Sequel

So there's a fourth Indiana Jones film that should be hitting theaters sometime this year.

The Good News: There was a holdup because the script had to be rewritten until it was up to par. Not rushing the script is a good thing! Plus, according to imdb, the script wasn't written by any of the people who wrote Jurassic Park 3: Crichton Scmichton, but by the guy who wrote Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 2: T-Rex Does L.A.


Frankly, I don't have much hope for the movie. I'm expecting it to be a trainwreck, albeit a very entertaining trainwreck.

Here's two ideas of what I think a 20-years-after-the-fact Indy sequel should be.

Option 1: Indiana Jones and the Valley of the Beast-Man

It's the year 2209. Thanks to drinking from the Holy Grail, Indy is still alive, although living in relative seclusion under a false name to avoid alerting the government that he's centuries old.

At the start of the film, Indy loses his job as college archeology teacher. Advances in archeological technology (involving RADARS and LASERS) have rendered Indy and his methods obsolete. "Digging up artifacts? Mr. , you belong in a museum!" All the glamor -- physically digging stuff up and solving puzzles and dodging booby traps and fighting Nazis -- is gone from archeology.

Then Indy hears about a definitive Sasquatch sighting in Washington State and decides to go help capture one for science. After all cryptozoology isn't that different from archeology and "Bigfoot belongs in a zoo, not stuffed and posed in someone's den." Upon arriving in Washington, Indy finds two teams of researchers hunting for sasquatch: an American team, and a German team.

During the course of the hunt, Indy accidentally discovers that the Germans are all neo-Nazis, hoping to breed an army of sasquatches to usher in the Fourth Reich. Then they discover who Indy is, and decide to capture him so they can determine the source of his immortality and use it to clone Hitler back to life.

Shenanigans abound. Eventually, Indy is captured and taken to the Nazi base. The Nazis had already captured sasquatch, who turns out to be this guy:

So Indy gets himself and Chewbacca free, and there's a big fight scene with Indy using his whip while Chewie pulls the Nazis' arms off and the whole time the base is burning down around them. Indy gets shot in the course of the fight, so once it's over, Chewie carries him away from the smoldering wreckage, onto the Millenium Falcon, and blasts off. Fade to black as the Indiana Jones theme plays, then morphs into the Star Wars theme.

Option 2: Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park 4.

This one pretty much writes itself.

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